یک بار دیگر

شاید بشود باری دیگر به زیبایی گذشته با این کلمات بازی کنم. می دانم که امروز آن روز نیست. اما من به یاد ندارم چه طور  می نوشتم. شاید زیبا بود. امروز سری به گذشته زدم، مقاله، دل نوشته، و عکسهایتان را دیدم. می دانی دلم برای تو تنگ شده. اما می دانی هیچ وقت نمی خواهم به کشورت بازگردم. همه آن گونه از ایران سخن می گویند که انگار برای او زندگی می کنند. می دانی از نظر من کشورت چیزی جز یک قرار داد از پیش تعیین شده نیست و من و تو با شانس در آن به وجود آمدیم؟ به چه افتخار می کنی؟ از من بشنو دلبر من، گذشته چیزی برای تو ندارد. در تمام عکسها و فیلم هایمان هیچ از خودم نیافتم. من نبودم! هیچ جای آن. چرا؟

این زبان پارسی را در پس ذهنم به خاک خوردن محکوم کردم. هر چه از آن می دانستم فراموش کردم. اما تنها حسی که دارم عذاب وجدان است که این زمان را بجای خواندن بیو کمیستری به نوشتن این نوشته می گذارم. به راستی زندگی عجیب است. 

باشد روزی بیاید که تو این را بخوانی و به جای اینکه به وطن فروشی من فکر کنی، دیدگاه من را بفهمی، خشم مرا درک کنی. مرا به چیزی که وجود ندارد محکوم نکن!

دوستتان دارم دوستان قدیمی.

آبتین

Episode #10: In Search of Someone, Anyone!

Episode #10:
In Search of Someone, Anyone!
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-"Hey... Look over here ... Look I'm here ... Can't you hear me? Look at me ... please look at me."
-"I've been looking for you ... I'm here ... Look at me"
-"Over here"
-"Hey"
All these sounds were just a buzz in her ear. She whispered,"I can't see anyone ... I'm alone ... Please someone ... Anyone"
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Episode #11:
In Search of Empathy

Episode #9: In Search of Patience

Episode #9: 

In Search of Patience:

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The burning sun made the thirst harder to endure. She ran out of water a few hours ago. The thirst was killing her. She felt dizzy and her eyes could not see well. She said to herself, "keep walking, keep walking. I can't die here." She kept walking through the dessert, for hours, but she reached nowhere. She was lost, without any sense of time. Her eye's started to darken, and she fell.

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"shhhh, just wait here and don't move." Wrath said to Hope. They were in the forest, hiding behind a tree. 

"Why are we here?" Hope asked while clinging onto Wrath's hand. 

"We are going to see something extraordinary. But only if you stay quiet. If you move you would put both of us in danger." Wrath said and went to the other side of the open area behind the tree. He had a gun with him. 

While each of them were hiding behind a tree a bear came out with her little cub. Out of surprise the girl moved and made a sound. The female bear roared and charged toward the girl but before going far a bullet went through her head and she fell right before the girl. The scared bear cub ran to the mother and cling to its corpse. Wrath came out of his hideout while shouting,"What the hell was that? What gave you the idea to…" but with the glimpse of the girl he lost all his rage. Hope was immobilized, her eyes were as big as a cup. She could not even cry. The boy sat beside Hope and held her tightly. After a few minutes her ice melted. She sightly moved and the tears started to race down her cheek. Wrath quietly whispered,"patience my love, patience."

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"Hey miss, can you hear me? Try to open your eyes". Hope tried to open her eyes but she could not!

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"Come on, let me read it." Hope was trying to have a glimpse of the paper which the old man was holding. The old man hold the paper back and said, "no, child. It's too early. You wouldn't understand it."

"Master please, just let me have a look. I always wished to read your writings. I heard you are great." Hope begged the old master. 

"And what would you learn from it if I show it to you?" The old man eyes were putting weights on the girl and brought her down to her knees. 

"But master if I don't read it I won't learn anything. Please let me" The girl pleaded. 

"There is something what you can learn. Contain your excitement for a year. On this day a year from now I would let you to read this story. Patience is the key to achieve anything." The master added,"Also contain the same enthusiasm." He left the room with a smile. 

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"Water… water"

"Here, just drink slowly. Please try not to move. Just rest."

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"It has been a year now. I have waited a whole year. I thought about it every night. I scratched 364 lines on a tree. I'm dying to read it." The girl said with joy. The old man was happy to see the girl bursting apart out of excitement. Her joyfulness in the past year kept the house alive. 

The old man handed her the paper. The moment she was unfolding the paper every muscle in her face was flexed. But then they all dropped, she looked up with dead eyes. The Old man was still smiling. Hope said,"I think you gave me the wrong paper. There is only one word in it and it's wisdom. I thought I'm going to read you writing."

"Well this is my writing. And yes, life is cruel. You waited all this time for nothing. You gain nothing. There is no meaning, no reward, no gratitude. Nothing for this long wait and the energy you wasted on waiting for this. You fooled yourself. Sometimes no matter how long you wait, there is simply nothing there to gain." The old man took back the paper and teared it apart in front of the girl. The old man walked away and the girl did not move.

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Episode#10: 

In Search of someone, Anyone!     

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Episode#8: In Search of Something Meaningful, Anything

Episode#8:

In Search of Something Meaningful, Anything:

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"It was a week ago. I remembers it as if it is happening right before my eyes. I do not know how this week passed. There is no flow of time for me, it is always night. I am not crying, I am not mourning. There is nothing to mourn about.  The men who brought Wrath with them buried him and his father beside their cottage. I'm alone now. More alone than I ever was. After the men left I burned the house. I wanted to be free from the pain. It's enough. I had enough. I'm not afraid of anything. There is nothing worth living for. There never was."

She was walking along the road with these thoughts. Almost like a zombie with no expression on her face. In the past few days she had traveled so much. There was nothing around her, no trees, no water, just earth, filled with shit. Vultures were shading her way. As she was walking in the distance she saw a ruin and thought it would be a good place to spend the night. When she approached the old ruin she saw a young shepherd with couple of goats around him. The shepherd smiled when he got a glimpse of the girl and said,"Oh thank you my Lord."

With a coldness the girl replied,"If you come near me I will kill you."

The shepherd brought his hands forward as a sign of apology and said,"I apologize if you felt this way. I'm just a simple shepherd and right before you appear I asked my God for someone to talk to. You know I love my Goats but they can't respond to me. All they want is food. But there you are. God had send her most beautiful women on earth to keep my company. I could not be happier."

The girl cracked up and said,"Did you just called me beautiful? I don't even know how do I look like. Thanks."

The girl sat down in front of the shepherd. They look into each other eyes trying to read each others past. The girl finally broke the silent and asked, "do you really believe in God?"

The shepherd said, "of course I do. If I don't believe in God how can I live? I wouldn't know what to do. It's my purpose, it's my destiny, it's the truth, it's my hope, my fear, my strength."

"But what if there is no god, no heaven, no hell, no rewards, no punishments? Wouldn't your life become meaningless?"

The shepherd became silent. And then his eyes become wider and wider. He jumped from his sit and screamed at the girl, "you must be the devil, I felt your beauty wasn't natural. Get away from me." He ran away and left his goats with the girl. 

The girl could not believe what just happened. Now she understood why her master lived in a forest, away from the so called civilized world.

"All life is meaningless. As meaningless as the life of these goats, insignificant, unfair, and filthy. There is nothing in this world worth living for … but there was something … Him! But he is gone now. All his life he tried to teach me I don't need him … but I do need him … no no no … he said I should find it in myself … he always knew this would happen … I don't know, I don't care. He is gone … STOP." She said it all out loud, and in the end the goats replied to her with a plain look. She could already feel the tears racing down her cheeks. 

She looked at the stars and said, "there must be something … or nothing!"

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Episode#9: In Search of Patience

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Episode #7: In Search of Strength

Episode #7: 

In Search of Strength:

--------------

"Wait, he died just like that?" The young boy asked.

The girl nodded and said, "he did, and his father as well, just a few hours later."

There was very long silence between them, they could only hear the wind as it was going between the trees. The young boy's brown eyes were flooded with emotions. He was looking at the girl as if she was a goddess, maybe Venus.  But the girl was not there. She was on a voyage deep in her memories of Wrath and his father, and her once loved family. They were gone now, she was on her own. Many years had passed since that night. She was not a little girl anymore. She started to learn the art of living, she became a strong women. 

The young boy was still confused. "Why did your master die? Did he say he was not afraid to lose the boy?" the boy asked. 

"And this was his final mistake, or maybe a lesson he wanted to teach me," Hope said with a smile. She continued, "he lost his strength and he couldn't live with out it. Me on the other hand, I lost my fear. I do not fear death but I'm not going to kill myself. The same feeling kept Wrath alive." Deep down she knew she was lying but the boy trusted her. 

"So what gives you strength?" Asked the boy, a pen in hand.

Hope stood up and prepared to lecture the boy about the world, and tell him of the stories she heard along the road. She naively thought she could become a master herself. She held her breath for a moment, to steady her speech, and said: "Fear and strength are connected. But we react differently to them. If you categorize something as your fear, you will try to avoid it. You try to protect. It makes you stronger, and at the same moment that you feel strong, you are in your weakest condition. If what you fear most happens in that moment, you will break." Hope closed her eyes to concentrate, to draw her attention away from the memories of that night. She continued, "Now consider this scenario; something gives you strength, it is everything you have. You don't even think about losing it because there is no life after losing it. There is no breaking. There is just nothing after it. That's what happened to my old master. It's dangerous to put your strength in something so vulnerable. Put your strength in something that you cannot easily lose."

The boy asked, "but you didn't answer my question. What gives you strength?"

"In my life I've met many people, I asked this question over and over. To my surprise many people are similar to the old man, they drew power from their family. They live for their loved ones. Some naive humanist would suggest the morality and goodness of human nature or something as meaningless as god. However, we all know these ideas are as rotten as this world itself. Before all of these experiences I would have said knowledge gave me strength. I thought it was a very good one since you can't lose it, but of course I was very young and naive. My memories are flooded with mistakes. The only other answer I consider reasonable, but I cannot accept, is beauty. I can't believe in it. It's beyond me. What gives me strength? It wouldn't be fun if I just told you, would it?" And the girl walked away from the boy with a pen. 

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Episode#8: In Search of Something Meaningful. Anything

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P.S Credits to a friend who helped me in my search for strength.

Episode #6: In Search of Fear

Episode#6:

 In Search of Fear:

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It was a dark night in the forest. The only light was coming from the small cottage beside the trail. The old man was sitting on his chair. His eyes were following the shadow of the girl pacing around the room. Her shadow was dancing with her, like a lover. She finally stopped and asked the old man,”Why did he have to go this late? We know it’s not safe.”

The old man smiled and asked,”Why are you so worried?” 

“Why? Because I care about him. What if something happens to him?” The girl said that while a small tear coming down her cheek. 

The old man stood up and came to the girl. He whispered, ”What are you afraid of?” 

Their eyes were fixed on each other. The girls eyes were a burning sea, ready to flood down her face. The girl closed her eyes and asked, “What should I be afraid of? What are you afraid of?”

“You are too young. I’m not afraid of anything. I learned the flow of life. Everything will go in the way it must.”

“You are not even afraid of losing the people you love? I can’t even think about the day that he wouldn’t be here”

“He is my strength, not my weakness.”

The girl was not crying anymore. She was surprised. The old man was so strong. Wrath always talks about him as if he is a ignorant old fool who wasted his life; while she sees him as a strong and wise master.

The old man put his hand on the girls shoulder and said, “Do you want to know what Wrath is afraid of? He told me once, after we found you.”

The girl sat down on the chair and said, “please tell me!”

“He said he is afraid to lose ...”

“Lose me?” The girl interrupted the old man.   

“No, silly girl. How can he lose something he doesn’t have? He cares about you, but he is referring to his condition. His state of being. He is afraid of failure.”

“I don’t understand. He has control over himself. He can’t just change by accident.”

“There are triggers that might make him disappear.”

As the man was telling his story, somebody knocked on the door. The girl ran to the door and opened it. The old man closed his eyes in comfort, but right after he heard the girl screams; he turned around and saw two men holding a body. It was Wrath. One of the men in the doorway said, ”we found him on the road. He only said something about the cottage and the bear cub. He passed out right after. Please we have to help him.”

The old man was silent. He put his hand on his chest, trying to rip off his heart and collapsed on the ground. 

The girl could not scream anymore. Her face was completely wet. She grabbed the boys face. It was cold, very very cold. He was gone. 

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Episode#7: In Search of Strength

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Episode #5:In Search of Hope

Episode #5
In Search of Hope
-----------------------

18 month ago:

        The boy was sitting in a chair in front of his father. they looked exactly the same as if there was a mirror in front of them with the ability to go beyond the limits of time. Even their facial expressions were similar, they were both sad, melancholic, ready to cry, defeated.

        The fire and the shadows were dancing in the room. The reflection in the boy’s eyes made his face even darker. With his grim voice the boy said,”What do you want father?”

        “My Wrath, look at yourself. My son you have become the very thing you wanted to destroy. You are a healer! Why do you wish to change it?”

        “You have no idea old man. I have destroyed many. I never helped anyone, I only brought more pain and suffering for them.” 

        “I know you never succeeded, but you tried. It’s not your fault.”

        “I will not let go of my responsibilities. I did let them die. They asked for my help and I couldn’t help them. It’s irrelevant how they ended it. You know this very well father. Please stop trying to undo it. I needed help long ago and you were to busy searching for nothing and now you have reached the nothingness. So let go of me.” The boy yelled his last words and stormed out of the room and left the old man to be devoured in the shadows.

        A drop of tear fell on the desk and the old man whispered to himself, “he needs hope. I need hope!” 

        The boy ran outside to the forest. He remembered 2 month ago when she was still alive. He was happy, naive. He remembered the time when he first saw her. She was beautiful, but sad. He tried to help her. He loved her. But then no matter how hard he tried he failed. She was not getting better. On the last day, she looked very happy. He thought he finally made progress. On that day the girl gave him a letter before leaving him. He opened the letter.

                My dear Wrath,

        The day I met you, you told me everything would be better. I believed in you and I really tried . But this pain, this emptiness would not leave me alone. I can see that I make you sad. I can’t fight this anymore. I want to go. I thought if I get you and be with you I will be fine, but you are too good for me. I’m nothing. I can’t bear the pain that you can be with someone better and happier but you stuck with me, with my misery. My dear Wrath please forgive me for wanting you for myself. You are free now. Go and find love, like I did with you. Today I will end this. I’m sad that I can’t be with you but I know you will be happy. 

               I love you.                 

        Wrath read the letter again and again after that day. He could not believe what he was reading. It was his fault. If only he was more sincere.

        With these thoughts he grabbed his gun and started to shoot at any animal which came to his sight. Until he ran out of bullets. When he came out of the forest the old man had the first aid supplies in his hands and asked,”how many did you killed?”

        “Not enough.” Wrath grabbed the first aid supplies from the old man and went back in the forest to treat the wounds he caused. It was his addiction now. Only after killing and healing animals could he endure this pain, this wrath.

12 month ago,

        After 8 month, the boy stopped killing healthy animals. He would only kill those who were injured. He came out to the field. Grass everywhere. It was hard to shoot a rabbit here. The wind was strong and the grass were moving so it was hard to spot anything between the grass. The wind made him turn his face toward the hill. On that hill he saw something. It was a girl with her left hand stretched in front of her. He knew this gesture. He imagined it so many times. His skin turned pale, it was about to happen. He ran toward the hill...

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Episode#6

In Search of Fear

Episode #4: In Search Of Wisdom

Episode #4
In Search Of Wisdom

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"HOW DO YOU LOOK FOR SOMETHING THAT IS NOT THERE?"
The old man yelled. The frightened girl slowly left the room.

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Episode #5
In Search Of Hope

Episode #3 In Search of Destiny

Episode #3

In Search of Destiny

----------------

The young couple were walking along the forest road near their residence. The girl was a few step behind and she kept starring at the boy's hand, trying to hold it with her lovely stare. The boy was whispering a song. Suddenly the girl tripped over a rock. The boy stopped the girl from falling and said,"you should pay more attention to your way instead of me." He winked at he girl and resumed his way. The girl turned pink, but right after other emotion started to dominate. The girl asked with fear,"why don't you give me an answer?"

"I am answering."

"Then tell me, do you love me?"

"Hope, please!" The boy stopped and looked at Hope."

"This is what I mean Wrath, you never answer me. You always run away from this conversation. Even your father admitted we share a bond; our destiny is linked."

"You trust that old man way too much."

"What?"The girl was stunned once again.

"I know you think he is god, but there is no god. I don't share the same views."

"What do you mean? He is your master as well. You told me this."

"Look Hope. I don't just inject what ever he teaches. I digest it. There is main difference between me and my father. He believes in fate. He thinks everything is meant to be. I don't agree with him."

The girl was surprised. She always thought the boy was the younger and more attractive version of his father. She thought how could the boy deceive her so long. She replied,"what do you believe in?"

"It wouldn't be fun if I just tell you. I'm not your teacher so I don't have to answer that. Hey lets just forget about this. We can have a lot of fun together before that old wreck arrives"

"This isn't over"

"Of course not, my love"

The girl turned pink again. she quietly asked,"Wrath, what is destiny?"

"It's you!"

They continued their way deeper inside the forest. They were close to the spot. The place where they share their dreams. The boy looked back at her and said with a smile, "we are almost there. Wanna race?" And without waiting for an answer the boy started to run. The girl ran after him. They reached the cliff. It was a stunning view. The blue sky above, a lake below with trees surrounding everything. A perfect place to jump, to finish it all, to let go. The girl used to think like this before. But now it's different. Now this place was a place to love, to be with someone she loves. The boy went on the edge of the cliff and turned around. He asked,"Should I jump, my hope?" 

"Quit playing around please. You know I hate this game."

"But what if I jump now? What will happen to our precious destiny my father described? Would it end?"

"STOP! COME HERE RIGHT NOW." She screamed with anger. The boy put his hands up as if it wasn't his fault. As soon as the boy got far away from the cliff the girl jumped in his arms. She was crying. As soon as the boy saw her tears his smile vanished. He took a step back and said,"NO!"

The girl started to cry harder but after a few seconds we gained her control and responded,"I don't know what will happen to our destiny, or I if you jump. I don't know what destiny is. But I don't care. I love you wrath. And I can't see you hurting yourself."

"I knew it was too early for this lesson. Indeed I'm not my father" The boy said while turning away from the girl. He added,"One day you will regret these tears. One day you will learn to shape your destiny with your hands without relying on other people." 

"You are hopeless!" The girl shouted while running back in the forest.

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Episode #4

In Search of Wisdom

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Episode #2 In search of Truth

Episode #2

In search of Truth

----------------
"Why did you decide to be my apprentice?" The old man said.
"To learn, my master," he girl pleaded.
The fire and the shadows danced in the room scared the girl, but the young boy was entertained. Seeing his father teaching seemed to bring back good memories. On his chair in the corner of the room, he was watching his father siting behind his desk and the girl siting on the same spot where he used to sit when he was younger, in front of his father.
"Really, but why?" The old man replied.
"I have told you the story, when I first met your son I was in a crisis. Due to the pain I tried to commit suicide. It happened 3 times. On my third attempt your son found me. He showed me the way of reasoning, the wisdom to endure life. After that I became obsessed with the idea of learning; and I found the best teacher, " the girl replied.
"Is it true my son?" the old man asked his son.
"Absolutely not, father."
The girl was stunned. The old man turned to the girl and said,"Describe to me the day that you saw my son. And my son you will interrupt when ever you did not agree. There are only a few ways to find out the truth."
"As you wish master."
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One year ago:
The wind was strong as it moved through the hair's of the young girl. The girl closed her eyes, she took a breath and brought her left wrist forward. She opened her eyes and took her last glimpse at the hilltops. The sky was blue but dark with white stains on it; it looked like a painting by a goth painter with no sense of beauty. The landscape was empty, no trees, no living creatures, only grass. Green grass, more like a little army of snakes moving their tails. It looked like childish painting by a depressed kid that probably has autism. There was nothing in this picture worth looking at, rather living for it. With her eyes closed she swung her right hand with the blade on her left wrist. The blood splashed out of her hand and she slowly fell. As she was falling something or someone stopped her. But she had already passed out.
She tried to open her eyes, but she was too weak. She tried to say something but the only sound she could make was a murmur. She thought she probably failed again; she is so weak she can't even kill herself. But then she felt something, something warm beside her, something was holding her wrist. She made another sound and moved her neck in the position of the thing. The boy had bandaged the girl's wrist and was putting pressure on it. He realized the girl was conscious and said,"Don't worry. I stopped the bleeding. Fortunately you didn't cut it very deep. I was sitting on the side of the hill and I saw you. What were you thinking? Don't you see this beautiful world? Don't you see if you would have died I could never save a life. You changed my life today. Thank you."
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The old man looked at the young couple. He smiled and said,"Now I have learned the truth. Thank you my children."
The girl seemed surprise, and asked:"But I didn't say the reason, the purpose. How did you learn the truth from our story."
The old man replied,"It's very soon for you to understand this my child, but truth does not exist, and it has nothing to do with purpose. It's a view, a perspective. Completely subjective and imaginary. There is no truth. What I learned from your story is a bond you two created. A spark that initiated everything. Perhaps you will find your destiny connected to this bond as well."
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Episode #3

In search of Destiny

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Episode #1 In search of Purpose

Episode#1

In search of Purpose
------------------------------

He went to the same spot again, as if he was looking for something he had missed in his last attempt.
After digging in the area for a bit, he finally stood up; smiled at his partner and said, "Finally something to search for. I was getting tried of finding all I want without an effort. After all there would be no purpose to it. Isn't it right my child?"
The young women smiled and replied:"Does the world have a purpose, she inquired." She started to hop around.
"I told you to avoid memorizing something you don't understand. These words have a meaning far beyond whats on the surface? Do you think you can spit them out with disgrace? Be ashamed of yourself young lady."
"I'm sorry Master. I just heard your music, and I remembered it."
The man turned away from the girl and softly replied, "perhaps I should lower the volume next time."
A young man with long hair approached from behind, he reached the girl and put his hands of her shoulders. The girl looked into the boys brown eyes and smiled. With the courage he gained, the boy said:"Maybe you should tell her what it means, Father"
The old man picked up a stone and said:"What is this stone made of, son?"
"More stones father"
"And what is the purpose of them"
"To become stronger. Or is it? They might not have a purpose"
"Precisely. Do you understand now? My young apprentice"
"Yes master" The girl responded; and the old man disappeared in the ruins.
The boy smiled at the girl and asked:" What are you looking for?"
The girl turned around and held the boy in her arms. With a sweet voice she whispered:"I don't know yet. Everything, and Nothing. Without you here, I would have been lost."
The boy stepped back. The cold impression on the boys face brought sadness to the girls eyes, but she hid it. The boy responded in a deep voice:"Never let anyone light your path. No one has enough fuel for it. You are alone in this world"
"BUT WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THIS WORLD?" The girl cried out with pain.
"Does the world have a purpose, she inquired" The old man said with a sad smile.

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Episode #2
In Search of Truth

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Knowledge?

What does having knowledge mean? How should I understand I know something? Is it only observable when I apply that knowledge? Is it the application that shows the extend of someone's knowledge? What kind of application? I’m lost in the point that I can’t understand the true nature and this ability. What does it do when we learn facts? I know so many psychological, sociological, biological, chemical, etc. theories. But I don’t know if any of them will help mere survival. 

This is a rather odd topic to be asked by a student, student who dedicated his life to gain perfect marks. I hate to say it, but that is my goal in life. I want to have good grades, I need to have good grades. I like studying but thats not my reason. 

I can’t believe that less than couple of years ago I devalued academic success, but now it’s all I want!!!!!! 

Unfortunately it is the only way to become what I like to be!

Good luck!...

political

I never wanted to write about politics. I wanted to be free from corruption, from any sides, from a country, from a people, from a belief, from a strategy, from law, from gods, from evils. All this boundaries and attachment are linked with politic. The only attachment that is not involved is love! And of course I will not focus on that. 

World is an interesting place these days. Some people are starting to realize they are people. 

I’m scared to say anything. I’m scared to take sides. My only clue is science. With that I conclude.

Congratulation my dear free people, Egyptian, Tunisian, I hope you won’t lose it like some other people did. And Congratulation to those who are trying to be free, Bahrainis, Iranians. I hope/wish you guys would win as well, but winning is not enough, Of course Iranians know about this.  

Good luck...

P.S: College doen't give you much time for yourself!!!! Love you greens ;)

Star

A life history of an organism is filled with adaptive reactions and decisions. By looking at an organism we realize life is a challenge. And with this short introduction we can conclude that humans are in the same challenge. As I was wondering in the shadows of my thoughts, I found a star in that cloudy night. But I wonder should I reveal it here? NO!

Good Luck!

A song by La Dispute, this is what we call good music!

“1978 - San Diego:

I'd just come out the other side of a relationship that blew up

I was angry, and disillusioned, and ultimately self-destructive.

I'd lost everything I believed in

I was as utterly, completely alone as I've ever been.

So I began going on walks.

I started taking late-night walks around the San Diego suburb I was living in at the time.

I'd start walking early evening, and come back close to midnight, sometimes later

Walking and thinking and chewing over what had gone wrong with my life.

One night, at Fourth and E Streets, I got mugged and beaten by a street gang

Sent me to the hospital with serious intimations of mortality.

When the ER techs asked what my religion was, I refused to answer.

I made my private peace with the universe,

Content with whatever was going to happen, live or die.

Then something happened.

I got angry.

I got angry because I still had stories to tell.

So I fought back.

It took two months to fully recover.

But two things came out of that incident.

First: I have no fear of death. None whatsoever.

Second: As soon as I was well enough, I started walking again.

Sometimes until 3 or 4 in the morning,

Through parts of town that made even street people nervous.

When people asked what I was doing out there that late at night,

the only answer I could give was, "I'm looking for something."

So I kept walking through some of the most dangerous parts of San Diego,

before it got cleaned up,

When it was still home to hookers and drunks and gangs

Finally, one afternoon, I came to the same areas I walked through at night

And I was struck by the dichotomy between that corner at night,

And the very same corner during the day.

In the daylight, there were businessmen and kids and clerks,

Eager to get home to dinner and TV and family.

Then, later, came the night shift - the lost people

emerging from shadows and beds of pain to walk the same streets

In search of fixes, money, and bars,

Gradually fading away with the dawn.

Two totally different worlds,

Sharing nothing but longitude and latitude.

There was the nation in the day, and the nation at night,

Existing side by side but each fleeing the other;

A daylight nation and a midnight nation.

I saw a country bifurcated by more than just the presence and absence of light,

But by lives cast aside and lost and uncared for;

The walked away and the thrown-away on one side, and on the other,

Those who pretended not to see them, because not seeing is easier.

And I saw someone forced to walk both sides of the metaphor,

To learn that the greatest cruelty is our casual blindness to the despair of others,

That there but for the grace of whatever god you subscribe to goes any of us.

And finally, I realized that I had found what I was looking for,

Without ever being quite sure what it was.

I found a story that would make my own life make sense again.

This story.

I still take long walks

And I still stop and talk to the people who stand at the corner

And wait for something to happen to them,

Who wait for money to fall into a hat or a cup,

Who wait for someone to recognize their pain.

Because the line between the midnight nation

And the place where I sit right now,

Writing these words, is thin and ephemeral and can be crossed in an instant.

Because the road to the midnight nation can be erased only through compassion.

I found my story, this story, on a hazy afternoon in 1978.

Now it's yours.

The keys to the midnight nation are in your hands.

What you do with them is up to you.

J. Michael Straczynski.

Sherman Oaks, CA

July 21st, 2002.”

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmania.com/eight_lyrics_la_dispute.html

All about La Dispute: http://www.musictory.com/music/La+Dispute